Nacho Average Taco: The Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos

I’m far from the first to say it, but I’m going to say it anyway: How on earth did Taco Bell not come up with this life-changing concoction earlier?

It seems so obvious in retrospect. Take the most shamelessly disgusting/delicious fast food and combine it with what essentially amounts to the frontman for fat people snacks. The result is nothing short of nasty food nirvana, but allow me to break down my thoughts by variety (alphabetically, of course).

A 12 pack of Doritos Locos Tacos because I obviously wasn’t about to eat just one. Also, the finals were definitely over when I got this.

Oh, and two quick side notes that apply to both varieties. One, don’t bother with the “Supreme” version of either, unless you feel like paying extra for tomatoes and a shit ton of sour cream. And two, take the taco out of those cardboard shells they serve them in to keep you from getting Doritos dust on your fingertips. What kind of fucking chump expects to eat Doritos without getting the requisite orange fingertips? Would you eat a bag of Doritos with a pair of gloves on? No. So eat your damn taco like a man.

The Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

In my humble garbage-food-expert opinion, Cool Ranch is the superior flavor of Doritos, at least between the two primary, traditional options (RIP Jalapeno Cheddar Doritos 3D). So needless to say, I was pretty jacked up to try this version of the Doritos Locos going into it.

But then, like a child discovering that Santa doesn’t exist, I was crestfallen. That flavor…the flavor was there. And what I could taste was so good. But it was only a wisp of what should have been a bolder flavor; I could barely taste it. It was like a shadow, a ghost, just ever so slightly teasing my tongue and it made me want to cry, just knowing how good this could be.

The reality is that the flavor of the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is better than the Nacho Cheese one, and that’s a fact and anybody that says anything otherwise is wrong. But it just isn’t strong enough. The flavor is so mild that it’s somehow overpowered by the flavor of…what? Lettuce? Cheese? A substance that is only, like, 8% actual beef? C’mon. The shell is supposed to be star of the show here and somehow it ends up being relegated to undercard status.

Please excuse the shitty photo quality of my last phone.

The Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco

I hate to say it, but the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos wins out here. The taste itself may be inferior to Cool Ranch, but it’s still delightful in its own right and, more importantly, I can actually taste it I bite into it and all the shit inside my taco spills out everywhere as its structural integrity is obliterated (if you couldn’t tell, I’m generally more of a soft taco man myself).

But while the taste of the Nacho Cheese shell is more pervasive than its Cool Ranch brethren, it’s not overpowering. It introduces a distinct tang and extra cheesiness to the taco that that funky “cheese” they sprinkle on it simply can’t do on its own. Things admittedly get a little salty between the filling and the Doritos shell, but who cares because fuck blood pressure.

The way tacos usually work is that the shell is just meant to be a vehicle, a delivery device for whatever deliciousness you can pack into it. Not so with the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco. You come for the beef…substance…filling…whatever stuff, but man, do you stay for that deliciously cheesy, crunchy shell.

Tags: Cheese, Cool, Doritos locos tacos, Nacho, Ranch, Taco, taco bell